Filling in the White House’s gaps.

Posted by admin
Aug 18 2006

I took the liberty of putting back some of the key details of the White House’s statement criticizing yesterday’s ruling that the so-called “Terrorist Surveillance Program” violated the FISA law and the First, Fourth, and Fifth amendments to the Constitution.

Statement on the Terrorist Surveillance Program (White House):

Last week America and the world received a stark reminder that terrorists are still plotting to attack our country and kill innocent people [which, by the way, didn’t rely on underhanded, super-secret, and legally questionable means. In fact, warrants were actually issued. How’s that for irony?]. Today a federal judge in Michigan has ruled that the Terrorist Surveillance Program [, a name we made up after the New York Times busted us last year,] ordered by the President [, he is The Decider, after all,] to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the American people is unconstitutional and otherwise illegal. We couldn’t disagree more with this ruling, and the Justice Department will seek an immediate stay of the opinion and appeal [so we can dig ourselves into an even deeper Constitutional and legal hole]. Until the Court [we tried to pack with hard-core conservatives who won’t challenge our actions] has the opportunity to rule on a stay of the Court’s ruling in a hearing now set for September 7, 2006, the parties have agreed that enforcement of the ruling will be stayed.

United States intelligence officials have confirmed that the program has helped stop terrorist attacks and saved American lives [, but don’t you ask how or we’ll accuse you of aiding and abetting the terrorists]. The program is carefully administered [, again, don’t ask how, or else], and only targets international phone calls coming into or out of the United States where one of the parties on the call is a suspected Al Qaeda or affiliated terrorist [, and that’s it. Really, honest, and truly. Cross our hearts… if we had hearts… and hope to lose our tax cuts]. The whole point is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks before they can be carried out [, so there]. That’s what the American people expect from their government [yet should remain totally clueless on how we do it, what criteria we use, or what real effect it has on preventing terrorist attacks], and it is the President’s most solemn duty to ensure their protection [, so don’t you, as John Ashcroft said in his last speech as Attorney General, go “questioning presidential determinations].

The Terrorist Surveillance Program is firmly grounded in [some] law [somewhere, but we won’t tell you] and regularly reviewed [by us, so don’t you worry your pretty little heads] to make sure steps are taken to protect civil liberties [as we have defined them, just as we have defined what torture means these days]. The Terrorist Surveillance Program has proven [by us, and wow… these rose-colored glasses Alberto gave us are great!!!] to be one of our most critical and effective tools in the war against terrorism [and because it’s totally super-secret, we can’t tell you, but it has been really, really effective, so much so that the world would stop spinning if we were forced to end it], and we look forward to demonstrating on appeal the validity of this vital program.

On a slightly more serious note, today was another good day for the rule of law and Constitutional government.

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